je suis moi

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3.5.2015 je suis moi,moved from zenart.org to be created here ...
Please use google translate to read in your language...

This is a fictional account, but pieces of it are true... may you know the ones that are, as they are written for me in hopes my words will make their way to you ... 

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

saudade of the blue tree

posted Oct 5, 2015, 10:55 AM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 3, 2016, 12:36 PM ]

I traveled once more to find you...
at the end of summer
with my family in tow.
It was a difficult journey,
especially where lavender
is grown...
my faith was so strong
in the power of the universe...
but we arrived home
again
I am not sure we can
travel to find you anymore
maybe my work will...
it was waiting for me at home
behind in expression
with deadlines drawing near...
leaving me struggling with the
haunting memories of the hungry
desperate eyes 
from refugee families...
there is no turning back for them now...
this is my earlier work
when I returned home
the first time
right after meeting you
I came home to help
my father leave
this world in peace
his body struggling with disease
too weak to continue the fight
so we all surrendered to the inevitable ...

8.14.2015 new moon pen paper

posted Aug 14, 2015, 1:22 PM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 3, 2016, 12:37 PM ]

Everything is not written here
in this online space
open for anyone in the world
i am gathering bits and pieces to entice.
There is a beautiful folder for you
it contains ink drawings
letters
prose
thoughts
a collage bound in red thread ...

7.31.2015, Necklace on a Blue Moon

posted Aug 4, 2015, 12:06 PM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 6, 2015, 4:53 PM ]

Before I left on my journey so many years ago, 
my mother gave me a necklace to wear for protection and to ensure my safe return.  
I was wearing it when we met.  
Yesterday,I wanted to place this necklace around my mother's neck 
to protect her while I journeyed again.  
I believed my necklace would keep us connected and ensure her well being.  
But when I went to see her, she did not recognize me anymore.  
As I was sitting in the chair next to her, 
I felt as if I  had been erased and replaced as a polite stranger. 
She talked about her husband and daughter, but I was no longer there.  
I  cried as I left her sitting alone with a friend she did not know.  
She never knew I came, my necklace never placed.  
This morning, I realized it is possible for us 
to be unrecognizable to each other now too, 
just like it happened with my mother.  
But even though we may now be unrecognizable, 
we are never completely erased or forgotten. 

7.24.2015 Journal Cover

posted Jul 25, 2015, 3:00 PM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 6, 2015, 4:54 PM ]

The next full moon will be blue.  
I am hoping the English saying will hold true, 
"...once in a blue moon," and my words here will find you.  
I am not sure, but I think this is the journal cover 
i was traveling with when we met at the Pousada, 
and thought you might remember this too.

6.2.2015, Pousada

posted Jun 2, 2015, 8:46 AM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 6, 2015, 4:56 PM ]


Today is the full moon. 
This morning, I looked for my journal that I was writing in when we met, 
I thought it would be nice to read the page from that morning.  
But I can not find this journal, even though I have others from before and after, 
just not this one.  
The journal was kept in a small green leather cover, 
making it easy for travel.  

Since I could not find my journal, 
I searched and found  picture of the painting that was hanging behind me when we went to a sitting room to talk.  
I remember it came as such a surprise to me as I was trying to communicate the energy of Divine Love 
being similar to that of a mother for her child, but far greater.  
My hope is you will recognize this painting, and remember.  
It is really this simple, I hope you have found peace, joy, and a beautifully abundant life.  
When I talked with an adviser recently, she told me you were my angel.  
I am not sure if google translates this correctly to French.

5.18.2015, Late post

posted May 19, 2015, 5:45 PM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 3, 2016, 12:38 PM ]

I am one day late on my post.  
Originally this project was intended to last for 99 days, 
but today I decided to continue writing until I know my work has found you.

Now I carry my journal with me everywhere I go.
In case I find a free moment to write or draw.
I write on the right page :), and draw on the left.  

6:14 am Introduction .. Capella

posted May 11, 2015, 10:19 AM by C Hamlin-Krout   [ updated Oct 3, 2016, 12:36 PM ]

posted Feb 18, 2015, 3:22 AM by ippac 1   [ updated Feb 18, 2015, 4:03 AM ]


My journey began just over 12 months before our encounter.  A small but powerful prayer was uttered from the depth of my heart as the ashes were placed on my forehead.  It was Ashe Wednesday, 2.28.1990.  The earth could have moved just a little, because I was blessed twice and given two marks on my forehead with the ashes, two blessings for protection.  Maybe that was because this was my second prayer from this place in my heart or maybe it was because unknown to me, I was beginning my journey into the darkness of my soul.
I want you to know that I never forgot our conversation or our brief encounter.  It left a deep impression on my soul, and I believe now I can give you a deeper answer to your question.  I came to your country, twenty years later, trusting the life force that brought us together once, would by chance throw us together again.  Since I did not find you, I am writing this story now, in hopes it will....you may know me by another name, but here I am Capella.

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